Auntie Leopard's Page

Recipes

KNOCKHOLT STEW   (NOT AS TASTY AS ANTELOPE BUT EASIER TO CATCH AND PREPARE)

Ingredients: One field of crane flies. one medium sized sheep,2 large onions,one handful of stinging nettles,pint of real ale (recycled), sheep shit to taste.

Method: Catch crane flies and leave in an airtight container until dead. (I trapped mine using a little floral disinfectant.- adds more flavour.) Shear the sheep and spin wool. Set wool aside for later use.(Arran Sweaters) Drink pint of real ale. Fillet sheep then wee on it. Leave to stand in a warm place for one hour. Place marinated sheep in a  large casserole dish. Add salt, pepper, and nettles. Cover with recycled ale and simmer over a log fire for three hours.Add a handful of sheep shit and the crane flies, and stir well.Stew for a further 45 minutes, then serve with a generous hunk of mouldy bread.

Mmmmmmmm........lovely.......

Road Kill Stew

First check youer store cupboard for bits of stale animal. Place these in pot, and add one small cat if necessary. If insufficient quantity of meat, take 4 x 4 down narrow country lane and see what you can scrape up. Placein pot with one pound of onions and two of carrots.  Cover with water and boil for one hour. Add enough herbs and spices to mask taste and cornflour to thicken. Then add one large black rat and cook for a further 2 hours. Remember, what goes into the stew can be varied, it all ends up tasting of chicken anyway!

 

 

Auntie Leopard's Jokes

"What do you call an antelope from Transylvania?"

"Vlad The Impala"

Bob Kenward has pointed out that the Woodshed sesions in The Wrotham Arms during the Broadstairs festival won't start until later, as Jen has bands booked in at lunchtimes. I'll keep you posted.

 

 

AUNTIE LEOPARD'S CORNER

The kittens have rented out a corner of their den. Of course I had to clean it up first. Now that I've got rid of the bones and torn up bits of paper, I can get on with other stuff, like answering any problems or questions that you leopardeers might have. There is a guestbook in which you can write. It's tucked away, so those pesky kittens can't get at it.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I keep losing stuff. I put name tags on it all, but it still goes missing. Can you help me please?

Dear Writer

I have always found a place for everything, then it doesn't go missing. I do have another failsafe method. Collect it all in one place, then wee on it. This is called scent marking. Believe me, no-one will want to even borrow your stuff!

Dear Auntie Leopard

I have an uncontrollable urge to dress in leopardskin and wear a wig in public. Is this normal?

Dear Trevor

Stop wasting my time!!! You know that we can have a private chat in the Den at any time. Anyway, this is perfectly acceptable behaviour for a leopard. However if any leopardeers have this problem I can help. I hear there's a lot of it going on in Essex.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I am twelve years old and spots are appeering on my face and back. I am two imbarrissed to talk to anyone about it. Can you give me sum advice please.

Dear twelve year old. The first thing that you need are some spelling lessons. Don't worry about the spots. I am well past twelve and am absolutely covered in them. Are you, a leopard too? Maybe you're a cheetah, or a jaguar even. Any of these are also covered in spots by a very young age. I hope this helps.

 Kind regards

A.L. May 17th 2006.

Dear Auntie Leopard

I am the mother of two kids who are scared stiff of water.

Please can you give me some advice.

Momma Katz